K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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