i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
