I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
