So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
