How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
