Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
