I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
