addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
