4 words: hood of his car
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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