Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
