FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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