Will you blow on my dice?
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
