batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
