I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
