on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
