I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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