On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Randomize
