Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
