phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
