she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
