Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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