when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Randomize
