woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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