I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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