I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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