My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
