can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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