Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
