So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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