oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
