You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
