her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
