just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
