after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
