i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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