dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
