when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
