i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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