I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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