You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
