woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
whose parrot is this?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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