i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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