there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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