I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
