i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
