her vagine was all disorganized.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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