Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
