This dress was meant to end up on your floor
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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