If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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