there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
