i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
