can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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