I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My room smells like vodka and shame
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
