and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Sorry my hands just texted you
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
