ya dads aren't the best wingmen
youre lurking in front of me
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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