Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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